I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I ended up where I intended to be.
I used to believe in this wholeheartedly, with every fiber of my being. I could once say, that I knew every awful, every heartbreaking and luminous moment had led me to exactly where my feet were planted, at that very second, of every day. And now, now Im just not so sure as Ive been sitting and waiting for my boyfriend for over an hour, all done up in my red lipstick.
Life is funny and the longer I go, the more I see, the less I understand. This journey of mine has been everywhere and nowhere, I’ve been as far as you can on the emotional spectrum in either direction and lived this life according to other people. What other people want, what other people need and I have given myself wholeheartedly to many personal causes and now I think Im left out in the cold.
Once, my feet immediately, upon hitting my bedroom floor would have a kick to their step, turning on the radio and dancing about, unaware that waking up could be any different. Carefully planning my look, applying lipstick and mascara with such precision, a make-up artist could weep, ensuring everything went together, completely ready to face the world.

Now, now I am hardly ever ready to face the world. Bed and the shades drawn please.

I am completely aware of my depression.

Of my seclusion.
Of my delusion.

I am completely sure and totally unsure.

For now, I finish my wine.